Is This It?

I change my mind like I change my underwear. The roomie and I talked a little, so at least he knows why I'm mad and we're working on it. The anger has calmed down quite a bit....for now. :P

I had a nice time last week in Chino with the bf. I got to hang out at the hotel all day while he was working. I love me some hefe and oranges! Unfortunately, I caught a cold and am just barely getting over it. I guess it's ok to get sick once a year. I just need to be better prepared for next year, or stop kissing sick people.

It's official, no raises for 2010. That makes 2 years in a row that Deluxe decided to fuck us over. I hate my job. On the bright side, I'm taking the written exam for the Dept. of Corrections on Dec. 2 in Fresno. I'm trying not to put all my hopes on it....trying.

I have a sneaking suspicion that I might be going through a mild case of depression. It fits the text book definition, but then again I could be reading too much into it. I think I'm just going through a phase....my anger is getting out of control. I've decided to move away from my current roommate before I kill him in his sleep. I can't leave until winter is over. I'm also worried about the dog. Is he going to have a yard to play in?

Been cigarette free for a little over a month now. It's not bad. Again, my running has gotten better.

I've been studying really hard for the GRE (since I kind of gave up earlier this year) in hopes of making the December 15 deadline for applications. Ever feel like you're running out of options?

Bark at the Park was pretty interesting. I got there early so only the old people and their hypo-allergenic dogs were there. Charlie (our boxer) might as well have been shitting himself he was so excited. I thought it would be nice to go out and try something different; get the dog out to mingle with the other canines. I'm not sure if we'll attend next year.

The boyfriend still wants to have a "talk" but he keeps putting it off. I wish we would just get it over with already.

I finally got a day shift at work. I thought I was going to lose my $0.75 differential but I actually got a $0.73 raise. I'm losing 2 cents, big whoop. The best thing is that we can't go to the new shift yet because they need to hire people to fill our spots. I get paid the new wage today PLUS my night shift differential, so for a few more months I'll be making $13.60 an hour. They can take as long as they want to move us to days.

Today is my one week with no cigarettes! I've been going to the gym and keeping busy with other stuff so as not to think about it. My goal is to make it to a year. If I push for that and make it, I'm pretty sure I'll be able to make the 2 year mark, etc.....

I might be going to a day shift. I won't find out until Tuesday. It would be nice to hang out during the week again.

Chris has been bugging me to have the "Where is this going" talk. I think the whole thing is going to be awkward and uncomfortable.

The water spots on the truck are causing me pain! I'm never owning a black vehicle ever again. If I made more money, I would get a white truck or perhaps a Mini so it wouldn't take over an hour just to wash it. I need to take some time and clay bar the tailgate. It's embarrassing to have my truck looking the way it does.

I'm off to the gym. I only need to lose 10 more pounds before I'm at my 180 mark. I think it would be nice to wear size 10 pants, but we'll see. I still have a big ass!

...update. It's not like I'm doing anything else.

I still hate my job. My mom keeps telling me to just be happy I have a job. Ugh! I need to take the GRE tests before November, but I have no idea where I'm going to get $280 for them. It'll show up, hopefully.

The b/f and I are going to Idaho to see some friends next month. He's never been on a plane before and I'm proud to break his airline virginity with him.

My mom is getting a divorce and might be moving in with us soon. The family doesn't know, so SHHHH!!! She's been in counseling for a few months and claims she's feeling a lot better. It'll be quite an adjustment.

Chris is mad that I'm still smoking. At $5.62 a pack, I can't blame him. :P He pretty much backed me into a corner yesterday though. The one thing I've ever asked him was not to shop at Wal-Marx and the one thing he's asked me was to stop smoking. He says that until I stop smoking, he's doing all his shopping there. So basically that means no more smoking. Plus his 17 year old brother keeps making me feel so guilty. So, I think it's time. Plus if my mom moves in here, it would ruin my 7 1/2 years of secrecy.

I'm surprised that I made it through the holiday weekend without getting completely burnt. We headed out for Lake Havasu on Friday and it was 114 degrees with ridiculous humidity! I could barely breathe. For the most part, it was pretty relaxing. Some woman passed out in her lawn chair and was taken off in the ambulance. Some other asshole lit a mortar which hit the hillside and exploded setting the brush on fire. The fireman were in hard hats and shorts.

Things are changing at work. The company is merging it's computer software system, so that basically means that I'm getting dicked out of 4 hours of work this week and I have to work Saturday. I'm getting tired of waiting for the Department of Corrections to take applications and am getting close to applying to the Sheriff's Department.....I just don't think I'd make a good sheriff.

One of my roommates was fired about 3 weeks ago now, and I cannot stand having her home in the morning. This is my time to do the things that I want to do, watch TV shows that I like.....I woke up before her to get to my shows and she scurried out of her room and turned on MTV. I need to live alone!

Regina Spektor's new album comes out tomorrow!!

The b/f's birthday was on Tuesday and since he's in Chino for training, I went and stayed in the hotel all week. It was lovely! I woke up about 10am, went to the gym, came back to a clean room, showered, sat by the pool and read, and then went to dinner with Chris who I hardly get to see anymore. His co-workers told him that since he's making really good money now and we're not married that I'm going to get pregnant to keep him around. Makes me wonder what kind of women are in this world....

I hate my job. Now that the Spring semester is over, I can once again focus on the GRE so I can get some applications off this winter. I hope I get accepted to some school....Chris told me that he doesn't know why I didn't just join the Navy......what the hell does that mean??

The not smoking hasn't gone well. After about 6 weeks I started smoking again. Not as much as before, I still haven't gone out to buy a pack, but my roommate will have some and we'll smoke a few and drink some beers out in the garage. I need to stop that. It's hurting my running.

Sometimes I wonder why I enrolled in another college class, especially when I sit down to do an assignment. Honestly, my grade will affect me in no way, shape or form! But here I sit procrastinating again to finish my intake paper that is due tomorrow. On the bright side, I have the highest grade in the class.

My aunts were in town this weekend. One brought their little chihuahua, so I took it home for the night and told Cameron that I found him and we're keeping it. I don't think I've ever seen him get angry. It was totally worth it, though! Then the little fucker crapped on my carpet, so he had to go back to my aunt.

The b/f's b-day is coming up, and I have no idea what to get him. It's hard when you have no money for the good presents.

UGH!!! I have to write this paper.......

3 weeks without a cigarette.....this sucks. I still really want one!!! I forget why I'm even doing this, and then remember I can run faster, I smell better, I have a little more money in my pocket......But DAMMIT I want a fucking cigarette. I'm getting fat again and I am not happy. Stupid dieting! Who needs to be skinny anyway?

Am I scary when I'm angry? I guess I've been freaking people out at work, but I am oblivious to such things.

The BBC News Podcast people have been using some odd vocabulary recently. I wonder if they got a memo: "Please use bigger words. Thx, MGMT"

I need a vacation!!! I just watched "The Holiday" and ended up crying. I can't wait until my credit cards are paid off so I can start saving for my Europe trip. I'm one month away from paying off my Visa and then I'm going after my MasterCard. Then I owe my mom and grandma money, which will be easy since they don't gain interest. So by this time next year I hope to getting ready to leave for Europe!!!! I hope. I'm talking with work and I think I'll actually be able to get one month no pay. I'm thinking about pushing for two months. We'll cross that bridge when we get there, but man I want to backpack across Europe. I'm listening to all these podcasts at work getting some tips, etc.

All of this running I've been doing has given me tons of energy. And the no-smoking thing is adding to it. I have been extra-super angry/agitated/hostile/mean lately, but hey, I'm getting healthy. I think Cameron is afraid of me now, because I basically threatened to torture to the point of death his ex g/f that keeps coming around. He thinks the cigarettes were keeping my anger at bay, so he's freaking out. My breathing (while running) is a little improved, but not by much yet. There's too much mucus and crap still in there, but I'm running faster and longer and the scale says I'm 193. Yay Improvement!!

I finally got it finished with some $$ help from my grandma. This pic was taken a day after it was done, so the smoke is all red because it's irritated, but it has evened out now. The guy wants to touch it up a little bit and add more "abuse" to the heart for me. I love tattoos......

It might be that I live in Southern California and have always hated those shallow ignorant girls with their flat stomachs and smooth skin, etc., but I have never had one of those bodies, or been close to it (until now). Since the accident, I have been going to the gym and am about to drop under 190 lbs. My body is toning itself, my thighs no longer rub like they used to, my stomach will be without that weird layer of fat and I have so many "beauty" products that I think I'm going to be sick. I also don't eat much, because that could inflate my weight.......this is freaky!

But I did buy a two piece bathing suit with pineapples on it.














This is sad. :'(

Zune Pass is the greatest thing EVER!!! I can sit here for hours downloading any album I want......why did I not make a list of songs I want when I was thinking about them?

I got my truck back last Tuesday. I have been too sick to take it back to the damn shop as there are a few things amiss. They used my tire jack under the back seat. What kind of auto body shop needs to use my jack to take a tire off?

Just saw that the gov't put $300 too much into my account. I hope it turns out not to be a mistake and I get to avoid a whole problem with the IRS.

Saw "Watchmen" yesterday. I loved it! Trust me, go see it, it's not what you think.

I can't believe I have to work tomorrow. I need a whole month off to make it feel like a decent weekend. I hate my job. I saw Taco Bell was hiring today........I'm going to play video games for a few hours and be angry at how it's really one hour later and I should have just gone to bed. Life is nothing without something to complain about. :)

Today is the first day in forever that I get to just sit at home. We're watching music videos. My mom bought me the new Franz Ferdinand CD because I could not find it. Kind of dancey, but not bad.

Work is still boring. If it wasn't for the phones, I would never get a full 40 hours. People need more checks.

I need to read for my class, but I think I'm going to waste the night with video games. I've been studying vocabulary for the GRE. I have acumen for words that begin with "A." (I think that's how you use that word......) I feel smart knowing these words, but dumb that my friends look at me funny when I try to use them, and they make some comment like, "What? You think you're better than us, College?" I need to move, but the financial/life situation seems to prevent it.

My roommate is fucking his ex. I am not happy about that.

I don't want this weekend to end.....at least for a week or so.

I'm never home, I get no sleep, no time to make lunch (or food for that matter) and the b/f is moving back in with his parents. This sucks. I miss my truck.....fucking snow.

I started Intro to Counseling on Monday. The professor is pretty cool and the topic is interesting. I see this going well. I need a plan, or motivation....yeah, motivation. But who has the time for motivation?

My jeans are too big for me now. I guess that's good, but I need new pants, and I hate shopping for jeans. K-mart doesn't have my size, so to the mall it is. Ugh.

It's gone. No e-mail, no phone, no myspace......all forms of possible communication are gone. I suppose it's for the better, but I wish he wasn't so damn thorough. I suppose he's on that path to never be found. I'm doomed to crawl through this life unconsciously proving myself to him hoping our paths might cross again. Ugh, I'm so despicable.

Ugh.....someone's birthday is Saturday and this song seems to know. Stupid country. It's so depressing.